I had some series of unusual kind of dreams lately.
Almost all of them had been about family, home, friends and co-workers in the
mission back in the Philippines. They were very vivid and detailed. I was even
dreaming of being home and having some exciting conversation updating about
each other’s lives. Honestly I had never had that strong feeling of missing
home. I love the mission I am having for more than a year now. But I guess,
these are all emotions and feelings swelling up from within. I cannot deny the
fact that I had been away for the longest time in my life and there is yet no
clear indication when I may be back. Maybe these are results of suppressed
loneliness, not so much being alone in my present situation, because I am enjoying
it and I love the company of brothers and sisters in the community. But I guess
this is more so of being alone in the sense that I am disconnected physically
with the people I used to grow up with, used to serve with, and disconnected
with the places I was used to, that in way became my comfort and security. Yes,
I am connected through different kinds ways of communication specially the
Internet, but no amount of Internet linkages can compensate personal presence.
Acknowledging that I am in fact homesick, “emo” as it
may seem, is a way of God telling me to look deeper still and listen to the
longings of my heart and what it truly beats for. Digging deeper into my emotional
source will make me a better person, one who will hopefully become more patient,
caring and reasonable.
Though I miss home, I now have a deeper understanding
of home. Home means not just the physical one but where my heart is. So my
heart, wherever the Lord leads it, there it will rest. Mission is home. If I
will strive to continue having this posture there will be no more suppressed
loneliness, only loneliness as a sign of a deeper longing to be truly home in
heaven.
Lord, teach me to see loneliness as a reminder that my
heart will only find rest until it rests in You. Amen.
written November 10, 2011
by aats
we miss you too Shateez :)
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