Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Flirting with Pain

 
I have encountered so many young people crying and in pain for no other reason than being in a relationship that is not officially in relationship. What is common now is what we call “mutual understanding” wherein a man and a woman come into a common understanding (not necessarily verbalized) that they both like each other. They can engage into dating and other things, that usually come along in a courtship. They can even do what normally is done when you are into an official relationship already.

At first glance it is good, of course how can it not be, when both parties are enjoying and seem to have mutual affection with each other? Well, there is no problem until such time misunderstanding comes and feelings seem to fade away by either of the two. The other will start being cold and falter in their regular dates and even phone calls become lesser. Schedules become suddenly busy, when in fact in the beginning of the “not so official relationship” it was not. The other person will start wondering what is wrong but could not get enough answers. So it ended badly just as it started shady. From wondering to wandering from one guy to another usually follows, because its human nature to feel loved and needed and yet these hurts continue like a cycle until you felt spent out.

Uncommitted Relationship

The problem with “mutual understanding” relationship is there is no accountability to whatever each one will do to the other. You can easily get out of the relationship because there’s no commitment. Relationship without commitment is like flying without wings, you will surely fall hard! When we go on a relationship whose boundary is not well defined, it will surely lead to confusion and hurts. Mutual understanding is flirting with pain because there is no clarity of purpose, purity of intention and integrity of words.

Obviously hurts, pains and feeling of unworthiness follow if it does not work out because you cannot go after the other; there is no commitment in the first place. Even those who are in a committed relationship that doesn’t work out, still hurts how much more for a relationship without one?

Pains caused by uncommitted relationship such as mutual understanding are actually unnecessary pains, because what causes pains is the lack of clarity between two parties. This lack of clarity leads to assumptions. Assumptions such as, the other has the same affection as you do and that the other, respect, honors and love as you do. We settle for the “silence” and just let the joy we experience go on until it is no more. We asks, why am I hurting? Why is she/he so bad? Why did she/he leave me? What’s wrong with me?

Well, there is nothing wrong with you, but with your decisions yes. And there is nothing wrong with you only the kind of relationship you have chosen. You definitely deserved to be treated more than that. You are special and meant to be pursued. Don’t cheapen yourself. Don’t cheapen love.

The Unsure Route

Brothers sometimes love to go on fishing mode and be non-committal. They would say, I can’t handle this anymore, “I can’t stop this feeling any longer” I have to tell her, and he will tell the sister, “I like you but I am not yet prepared.” Yes, we heard it right! “Like” but not prepared! In the first place why would you tell the sister that you like her, if you are not ready to pursue her? This is a very selfish act, because what you are doing is just passing on the burden to the sister. You just want to let out your feelings without being responsible for it. The sister will end up confuse as to what your real intentions are. You like her yes, but pursuing her not sure. What kind of man are you? And then you will lead her into you and drop her like a hot potato when you realize after that you are not ready. You are walking on the road you are not sure of and worst, you are bringing her along with you.

If you are courting, the presumption is you are ready for a relationship. How can you pursue someone if you are not even sure about yourself? How can you make a relationship work when you don’t even know how to make yourself work? Before you even courted you should have weigh all things, prayed and discerned about it.

Conversation such as, “I really like her kuya.” And months after, “Kuya, I realized I am not prepared and that’s she’s not the one for me.” Come on, be a man! It’s totally unfair for the woman, because it’s for the sister to say yes or no, and before she even can say it, you already stop. Be responsible and accountable to you words.

Planning to enter into a relationship should have:

1. Clarity – intention should be clearly stated and boundary between friendship and intimacy cleared out.
2. Purity – In stating the intention it should be because we have the purest intent of pursuing someone in love, honor and respect.
3. Integrity – We must be able to back up what we say by our actions. And be man enough to accept the outcome, be it yes or no.

Self Control is a mark of a real man. “For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.” 2 Tim 1:7. Don’t cause pain; don’t flirt with it. Playing with emotions is a lethal game. Nothing can compensate real love. If we want to know it better, we might as well start reading the gospel of Christ who is love Himself instead of relying on self-help guide into relationship. There is a freer, happier and surer way of love. Follow Him!

go deeper... read What is Courting for a Fulltime Worker and Real Love Waits

by aats

19 comments:

  1. This is just Awesome. I wish everyone my age (er, teenage) reads this! :)

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  2. "Well, there is nothing wrong with you, but with your decisions yes. And there is nothing wrong with you only the kind of relationship you have chosen. You definitely deserved to be treated more than that. You are special and meant to be pursued. Don’t cheapen yourself. Don’t cheapen love."

    -- soooooo many people who need to read this and snap out of their denial and self-indulgence. Dating & 'liking' each other does not automatically mean you're in a relationship. Being in a relationship is a choice. Do not relegate it to something that just happens.

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    1. thank you... each of us is special, so we strive to treat each other with respect, honor and love.

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  3. Thank you so much for posting this. I was informed about this through the FB YFC-S3 page. I'm in that age group where people think if you both feel the same, go for it. There's really nothing wrong with that, except sometimes I don't know if they consider what will be the outcomes.

    This post just made me realize that I'm not cheap- the right one will be there in God's time.

    GOD BLESS!

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  4. Amazing! Just goes to show that we should just indeed wait for Him to finish writing our love story for us :)

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  5. Amen! it is the privilege of the man to pursue and the women to be pursued. unless you don't see your future with the girl you are courting, you have no business playing with her emotions. :)

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  6. In most, if not all cases, Kuya, your essay applies. But we seem to always forget that Brothers WILL get hurt. I've seen on many occasions sisters lead on brothers and I'm boggled as to why we fail to address an issue like this. Sister's forums are about allowing our beautiful sisters to be able to grow along side us and support us as sisters should but why then is hurting a brother justified as a her "not being ready". I think that both parties are very much equal and the pursuit of the heart is a two way street. Are we then putting our sisters on such a pedestal that they are not even being held accountable for their actions? And it's not to say, obviously, that this is a growing epidemic, but simply an interesting take on courtship. I agree that the pursuit of a sisters heart is completely the job of the man and we should be one percent accountable for ALL the things we do but again I don't think that a brothers heart should be left out there to fall and have a sister just walk all over it. I know, because it's happened to me.

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  7. very good point there janjan, i am about to post soon another blog with points on womens responsibility when it comes to relationship... i totally agree with you...

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  8. it wakes me up! how long had i been sleeping?

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  9. it made me realize. wew. NICE!! ;)

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  10. thanks for sharing!
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  11. Thanks for sharing...I totally agree with you. Love is responsible so we should be careful in our decisions.. :))Write more and God bless you!

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  12. When I was in a relationship, my partner once asked me why, as an attractive and very flirty woman, I don’t have men beating down the door to ask me out.

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